Step Into the Male Mind with Sherry Argov, Author of Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches

by: Keara Moon

How many times have you wished you could get into a man’s head and understand what he’s thinking? Too often, we are left with unanswered questions after each failed relationship. Why did he ghost me? Why didn’t he take me seriously? Why was I not what he wanted? If we could simply read the male mind, the uncertainty that engulfs us like a thick fog, awakens our insecurities, and propels us into a loop of overthinking, would finally clear. The cycle of screenshot -> send to group chat -> devise a carefully crafted response -> send -> repeat could at last be broken. 

In her NYT bestsellers Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches, Sherry Argov provides resourceful knowledge about what men actually look for in a woman and the key to finding the right partner. Along with over 5 million copies sold, these insightful books have taken over social media with TikTok videos generating over 200 million views. We were fortunate enough to sit down with Sherry to discuss the message within her powerful books as well as her thoughts on relationships. Read the full interview below.

Q: What is each book about?

A: Each book is about my findings after conducting interviews with men. I set out to learn about the things that men don’t share with women they are seeing. I also wanted to know what men do to gain the upper hand. After speaking with these men, I was able to pull back the layers and interview them about the things that women struggle with, and I found a common theme. Men secretly respect a woman who has her own opinion, has self-respect, and is willing to stand up for herself when it is necessary. I also found that they secretly admire a woman who doesn't give herself up, and who will not abandon all her beliefs to please him. She has a passion for her own life that has nothing to do with the relationship. She has goals, dreams, ideas, and is trying to make her way in the world as an independent woman. Men instantly respect those qualities in a woman.

Q: What is the difference between Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches?

A: The books are similar in tone, but their key difference is Why Men Marry Bitches focuses on the feedback that men gave about why they view a woman as short-term vs. long-term. There are certain things men told me they look for in a long-term partner or wife. It’s not just a matter of will he respect you more, it’s also about whether you’re limiting yourself or the relationship with certain behaviors.

Q: What makes a woman long-term and short-term?

A: It starts with how quickly you jump into a relationship before you get to know somebody well. Most men want to feel like you are discerning and selective and that you got to know him before you thought about having a relationship with him. Men told me that when a woman discusses having a "relationship" on the first couple of dates, they feel as though they are filling an empty position because the woman feels incomplete and insecure without a boyfriend.

Q: How do women make sure that they do not fall into the short-term category?

A: Once you fall into the short-term category because you hook-up with no effort on his part, it’s difficult to be seen differently. Not giving yourself over easily is always my advice. If you want to avoid being marked a "good-for-now" hook-up, there are certain things you should do. First and foremost: take it slow. Do you still spend time with friends and family, or do you cancel all your activities to be with him? Are you abandoning your normal routine and making the relationship your sole focus? Do you lose your happiness if he doesn’t call or text? What I learned from men is that they don’t want a woman to give up too much of her own life, both before and after becoming his girlfriend. Don’t sleep with him too soon, and don’t make him your number-one priority. Don't give him too much emotional importance. If he is the only thing that makes you happy, you will become too emotionally dependent on him.

Q: How do you balance needing emotional support from your partner without falling too emotionally dependent?

A: He should not be the center of your world. Not only for the benefit of your relationship, but for your mental health. All your friends and family that you are giving up for him are extremely important to your mental health. It’s like taking only one vitamin to the exclusion of all other vitamins. Have a support system of other people in your life, whether it’s a therapist, a pastor, a sister, a best friend, so you aren't so reliant on your partner. Those people indirectly strengthen your confidence as a person and strengthen your relationship too. You should never isolate yourself or only have one friend or person you rely on emotionally, because that person will likely begin to feel overwhelmed or suffocated.

Q: How do you make sure you are diving in too quickly into a potential new relationship?

A: In the beginning, you are just talking and then you form a relationship. Until you have seen the person in different scenarios and how they treat you, you don’t know them. The woman who takes her time and doesn’t jump in with both feet is not going to become a "situationship." That doesn’t mean you can’t see him, but it does mean you don’t sleep with him before you know what you are.

Q: There is the cliche of feeling butterflies when you have a crush or are excited to see them. How can you differentiate when this feeling is nervous excitement versus your body warning you something is not right?

A: People commonly misinterpret nervousness for excitement. That’s how a lot of the "bad boys" gain control over women. Women misinterpret the butterflies as a positive, but sometimes the man makes you nervous because he is not right for you and your gut is telling you he is dangerous. You know that a man is right by trusting your instincts, and by how consistent he is. Is he consistently there for you? He could be wealthy, good-looking, smart, charming, and all the things you want. But if he is not there for you consistently, he’s probably using you as a convenience. In addition to consistency, the main thing to look for in a person is his thoughtfulness over the little things. Consideration, thoughtfulness, and good character are the most important things.

Q: Is there a timeline that women should follow on the path to exclusivity in a new relationship? How do you know when it is time for the “what are we” conversation?

A: Benchmarks are questions you ask yourself when you’re being strung along. They’re not questions you ask yourself when you're not being strung along. A man is either madly in love with you or he’s using you, and there’s very little in between. If you want to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t be with someone who is undecided, wishy-washy, and who can't make up his mind. If you have a first date and you don’t hear from him for two months, that’s not a sign of a healthy relationship. After two months of talking, you should be boyfriend and girlfriend. If you aren't moving in that direction, you should stop talking. When a man is interested, he will be texting, calling and seeing you consistently every week, and the relationship should slowly progress and evolve into an exclusive relationship, without extreme fluctuations and long absences in between.

Q: What are some actions women should look for from men to know if the relationship is on the trajectory to becoming serious?

A: When a man cares about you and wants to be in a relationship with you, he’s going to be courteous and respectful. When he doesn’t want a relationship, he will be inconsiderate and call you at the last-minute at 10pm. Or you will get a 2:00 am drunk text asking you to come over. It’s a huge red flag if a guy is calling you at the last minute and seeing you very sporadically. Before a relationship, he shouldn’t call you three hours before he wants to see you and get all the perks and benefits that he would get from a girlfriend. If a man cares about you, he will be thoughtful and considerate because he wants to look forward to seeing you. He will see you once or twice a week, and when he does, he’ll make it memorable. He doesn’t have to lease a private plane and fly you to a private island. But he will give you his jacket when you’re cold and pick up the tab. It’s the little things.

Q: What was the most surprising thing from your book research?

A: What surprised me is how quickly a man can pick up on if a woman has confidence or whether she is insecure. Confidence is the most attractive quality in a partner. The less you need his approval, the more he’ll want you. Everyone wants a person who has an interesting life outside the relationship, because you have more to bring to the table and more to bring to a relationship.

Q: What were the biggest red flags you found during your research that men have about women?

A: Neediness. Everyone wants to feel special with the person they’re with. If the other person is desperate, needy, clingy, and unable to be happy by themselves, it puts a question mark on the motive behind why you need to be in that relationship. It’s universal. Everyone wants to be loved and feel loved. Men don’t feel loved when they’re with a woman who needs something from him. Nobody wants to be in a relationship and say to themselves, “They’re with me because they’re afraid to be alone.”

Q: To the women who feel as though finding love is hopeless….

A: Number one: it is never hopeless. The hopelessness you feel is because you assumed that the Cinderella, happy-ever-after fantasy where a knight and shining armor was going to give you happiness and fulfillment would fix all your daily problems. Your joy should not come from a relationship. Your joy should come from life. Be grateful to get up every morning because every day is a gift. If you have your health and your loved ones, you have every reason to be happy in life. If you feel hopeless, it is because you are defining yourself by whether or not you have a partner. A man or lack of having a man should not dictate whether you are joyful. Your joy should come from friends, family, a pet you love, hobbies, the arts, travel, activities you enjoy, your dreams, and your goals.

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Alexis Wolfe